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12:26 a.m. Sunday, October 5, 2003
It's been too long since I updated this site, but I honestly don't know what to write some times. Little seems to happen in my life, or at least it seems that way until you really look at the details. Small changes perhaps, but imporant to me.
Found a picture of Usagi the other day. I was more upset than I figured I would be... I must have asked myself a million times how that went wrong. I also got an offer to do a course, which upon completion would result in empoyment as an English teaching in Japan. As usual, I can't make the decision. I'm paralised because I worry I'll screw it up and make the wrong choise. Maybe I'm just unlucky, but since I don't beleive in fate, instead relying on statistical probability, I tend to just think it's me. I suppose that's what everthing comes down to in the end. You are forced to choose.
Anyway, I guess it's not been made much easier by the fact that two of my friends got together. Being typically unreceptive to any possible hints they were giving off, it came as a total surprise to me. I'm happy for them, of course. They seem to be a good match. It's just... well, it's kind in my face some times, a reminder of what I don't have.
Okay, so it seems that I just wallow in self pitty all the time. Problem is, I'm just not sure how to "fix" things. My life didn't come with a manual, just snippets here and there that I pick up and have to somehow put together.
On the plus side, some interesting jobs finally came up. One of them was doing systems programming with broadcast video. Sadly, they wanted someone with a Electronic Engineering degree and experience, so I probably won't even get a look in. I would need training, but it's something I'd love to do and I know I can do it, and damn well too.
Free will and the universe
10:41 p.m. Tuesday, September 16, 2003
Can we have free will?
Satre said that every person is free, an forced to make consant choices. In fact, there is no situation when a person has no choice. This seem to be basiclly correct, but does that mean we have the freedom to make independant choices?
Let's consider a meta-physical argument for a moment. We know that the human brain is a complex electro-chemical machine. This machine is very complex, but at a basic level follows the fundamental laws of physics. Indeed, we understand just how it works well enough to realise that one day we will be able to make machines that operate the same way and appear to be sentient, just like us.
Given that the laws of phyics control how the brain operates, from a given starting condition it should be possible to predict exactly how the brain will react. Taken on a larger scale, if you could know the exact conditions at the start of the universe, you could in theory predict everything for all time. If this is true, and there is no real unpredictability in the universe, then each of us is simply a product of the physical processes that make up our bodies, and as such each decision we make is pre-determined and free will cannot exist.
Of course, in a way that is rather comforting to someone who feels their life is "unfair". Every set back, every mistake, every act of stupidity was unpreventable. Nothing is the fault of the individual. Actually, that's interesting from a crime and punishment point of view too, although I somehow doubt any judge would accept a plea of "fate".
Even given that we have free will in the sense that we can make our own decisions, does a lack of knowledge prevent us from excercising it? Everyone is influenced by the things around them, and all decisions seem to be based on the sum of those influences plus the individuals own mind. It seems likely that without those influences, a different decision might be made. The law at least seems to recognise this to some small extent.
A firm grasp...
09:52 p.m. Saturday, August 30, 2003
I have not updated by blog in a while now. The reason being that I simply am not sure what to say.
The funeral was nice, for a funeral. I got quite emotional. I read a poem written by my uncle. I was happy to, and tried hard to do it well. He did the same when my dad died... five years ago now. Too short a time for all this.
That's how it seems. One thing after another. Little things, big things. You just want it to stop. It has to end one day, eventually I must be happy. I have to believe that.
Of course, there is one way to make it stop.
I think I understand what my cousin was going through. On the outside, you seem okay. You are, sort of. When distracted, you feel fine, you don't think about things. Then, there are the dark time, when you can't avoid the terrible things that run through your mind. Do normal people think these things? In a way, it seems to me that if they don't they are disconnected somehow, but perhaps it's better that way. Or not... some people seem not to appreciate what they have, although this way it's impossible to have any illusions.
In those moments, you question yourself. The mistakes you made, the lack of confidence, conviction, ability. You keep telling yourself that you were young, inexperienced, and next time you will do better. But then... then next time comes, and you fail again. All your naive childhood dreams betray you, life is hard and you are unhappy, and it's all your own fault. It grinds you down, day after day, thinking about it. Why even try if you just can't get what you want? Life starts to become a meaningless series of events, meaningless to the world but soul destroying to you. You live for the moments of distraction, and your emotions swing back and forth so much you try to dull them all.
I think it is... it must be possible to be happy. There seems little point to life if not. Yet, it's so hard... finding someone, getting past all the grit, pain... the horrible realization that everything will eventually leave you. So many people will die before you do, so many bad things will happen. You need that little bit of hope, that chance that you might be able to cope and one day things will get better.
I suppose I am lucky that I can let these things out, instead of keeping them private. I think that is what eventually got to my cousin. No one had any idea he was depressed. Most of my friends know I can get down sometimes. It's just... I don't want to get to 27 and feel that way.
Life has no inherent value, and the only reason to live is because you want to. Whatever the reason, you must want to. But... sometimes, you don't. It's frightening.
Tragedy
07:48 p.m. Thursday, August 21, 2003
My cousin apparently commited suicide. No one seems to be able to figure out why. He seemed happy, had no debts, no relationship problems, didn't use drugs or drink too much. The funeral is on Friday.
It's the not knowing. It's the worry for his family. It's the seemingly endless stream of things that grind you down. It's the knowing that there is no reason why, but that it hurts you anyway.
Bad news
01:27 a.m. Thursday, August 21, 2003
My cousin is dead. Hit by a train. No idea how or why.
Missing Person
07:47 p.m. Monday, August 18, 2003
My cousin has gone missing. He went out to the paper shop only a few minuites walk from his house, and has not been seen since. That was Friday evening.
I don't see him all that often because he lives in Birmingham, but we got on well. It's just kind of weird... no one can figure out where he has gone. Of course, his parents are really worried. I am worried too... it's totally out of character. He doesn't have money, his credit cards, passport etc on him.
It's just so weird... the police are involved of course. Maybe I'll hear more tonight. It's the not knowing that gets to you.
H.O.P.E.
12:49 a.m. Friday, August 8, 2003
Human beings seem to need hope. I know I do. I have to think that things will eventually get better.
I know that by some people's standards, I have a lot. A home, good friends. It's not enough.
I'm going to the job centre tomorrow. In the paper there were two IT jobs, both tech support and both wanting grade Cs in GCSE English and Maths. I need to know what to do with my life, how to give it some meaning. Much as I would love to study philosophy... where will it get me? Will I just be back here again in a year?
A friend commented that my bank account seems rather full for someone who is unemployed. That's true I guess... I'm saving it for some unknown reason. I guess it would come in handy if I did a year of study, but I think a more likely explanation is that I have nothing to spend it on. Not really anyway. I seem to have lost interest in so much... I need to fix my life, but I don't know how.
Perhaps many long term unemployed people feel this way. I suppose it's worse when you know you have skills.
I'm just glad no one I know seems to read this, because I'm sure they were getting tired of my down-beat attitude. This is an outlet, which allows me to be a bit more genki when I'm with them.
Work
08:45 p.m. Sunday, August 3, 2003
What is the purpose of a commercial organisation? Most people would say to make money, but I don't agree. Surely, the point should be to employ people, to give them a reasonable wage.
Trying to make more profit leads us to the stupid situation we are in now, with people being laid off left, right and centre to save money, give the directors a pay rise, farm the work off to cheaper countries, polute the world etc, all in the name of bigger profits. Surely, if a company can make a product and employ people in the process, it shouldn't matter if it isn't making a much money as it could if it only empoloyed people in the third world or replaced it's factory workers with robots.
I'm no luddite, I really think one day technology will save millions from the drudgery of daily life. However, people need employment, and in this case I think protectionism is a good thing. The idea behind a company should be that it's an association of people who want the same thing (employment). People seem to be very short sighted, only looking out for themselves (hi Fat Cats, need a raise?)
A friend of my mum told her an interesting story the other day. Apparently, her son works for a company in their IT department. When they need software doing, they fly in a bunch of people from India and put them up in a hotel for a few weeks. They work long hours for less than minimum wage (because they are paid in India so it's legal). Rather than give some people in the UK a job, in the name of profit they do that. This country is fucked up. We should look to the Japanese model.
MoJo-chan is 23 and lives in the UK. He believes in a humanistic form of existential nihilism. Current favorite band is power metal outfit Sonata Arctica and mostly watches Love Hina and Chobits.
Quote:
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, does not go away.
- Philip K. Dick